Blog / Mama's Musings / Supporting the Mama

For the Moms Who Don’t Love Everything

I’ve noticed a weird trend and I’m not sure if it’s a recent thing or not…

But somewhere there seems to be this idea that we are supposed to look back on every memory of parenthood and miss them… we’re supposed to love the tough moments and the hard days because that’s what good mothers do. Even if, on the rare occasion we’re not loving this particular moment right now, we’ll look back and treasure these precious moments of motherhood. We’ll miss these moments… even the tough ones.

And maybe you will.

But it’s okay if you don’t.

You don’t have to love the 5AM wake up call now, and you don’t have to love it later either.

You don’t have to love pregnancy.

You don’t have to love breastfeeding.

You don’t have to love the Target tantrum or the days you felt like you were stuck in an endless loop between the dishwasher and the washing machine.

You might look back on some days of life with kids and shudder.

You can love your kids without adoring every single habit and quality.

You can love motherhood without relishing every single minute.

But maybe you do, maybe you cry on the first day of kindergarten and miss the midnight breastfeeding snuggles and that’s okay too.  How sentimental you are about these moments, or which moments you do or don’t enjoy about motherhood does not determine how “good” of a mother you are.

There are many aspects to the “mommy wars” but I think that the most upsetting part isn’t parenting styles it’s the HOW MUCH DO YOU LOVE IT competition.

I loved being pregnant and I have encouraged moms to find the joy in it… but I understand why it’s not for everyone. If pregnancy isn’t your favorite season of parenting you’re not doomed from the start. I had a miserable time breastfeeding my second and a wonderful time breastfeeding my third but I don’t love them differently as a result. Sometimes raising children can just be difficult. Not “difficult but…” Just difficult.

We accept that we don’t have to love every single part of our lives… why do we set the expectation on ourselves and others to love every single part of parenting?

So, for the moms who don’t love everything I say this:

For better or worse our crappy days are just that. They’re crappy days. You don’t have to love them, you just have to get through them.  And if you’re making it through and doing your best (whatever your best is under the circumstances)… I think that’s good mom enough.

 

Moms who don't love everything about parenting

 

 

6 thoughts on “For the Moms Who Don’t Love Everything

  1. I love how you’ve taken a potentially difficult subject and so eloquently simplified it. I love being a mom; I love my girls and all their many different personality traits, and I wouldn’t change either of them for anything in the world… but I did not enjoy every step and stage of motherhood, not by any means. I think a lot of people are afraid to admit that –afraid to say that it wasn’t always perfect, and that they won’t miss every second.
    Anyway, before I start babbling… great post.

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    • I wonder if social media plays a big part. We’re very used to seeing curated versions of people’s lives and think that’s the way it’s supposed to be? I don’t know.
      Anyway,thank you for your comment and thank you so much for reading!

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      • I think social media adds to it, for sure, but it’s about biases and judgments that have existed for far longer than the internet. Woman are hard on themselves by nature I think, and we have a bad habit of turning our own internal judgments on others. I remember seeing instances of that even when I was a kid, way back in the day (lol) and it’s not that difficult for me to imagine cave woman 1 grunting at cave woman 2 in disdain because she disagreed with how cave woman two swaddled her infant in furs. What social media does, or so I believe, is make it so that we don’t only have to deal with the women next door, our mothers and aunts, but every woman we have ever known… all at once. It allows for a lot more insecurity because we see all the pictures on supermoms’ pages, and think “wow, I wish I was more like that” or “damn, I’m doing it wrong”, and it’s easy to forget that there is more to the story than what is being presented to the public.
        Of course, with time and age we seem to get better about not judging ourselves based on the actions of others. The guilt recedes as we start to see proof that we’re actually getting some of it right.
        I know a decade ago, when I was still a relatively new’ish mom, every little thing I read online about mommyhood got me questioning myself. These days though, it’s much easier to remind myself that my kids are great, they’re smart and polite and thoughtful, and that even if I have made a misstep or two (thousand), they’re not suffering because of it.
        Anyway… so much for not babbling, lol.

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  2. I really appreciate this post and I love when people blog about their honest feelings about being a parent. Nothing invokes a bigger eye roll than when parents post how much they LOVE waking up in the middle of the night and yada yada…

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